The most fucked up thing? I found out on Fernando’s facebook.

Screw him. Its obviously over if he has no regard for how I feel.

Andy is worried that Voldemort is going to convince David to go to London and be with her and now I’m worried. I can’t even think about it without wanting to throw up. That will be the most fucked thing to ever go down. The thought that she could still influence him like that kills me. I don’t know what I would do. I don’t think I’ve ever wished someone to never exist as much as I do Voldemort…I don’t know Hitler Iguess but I didn’t know him so the feelings about him aren’t really personal like they are about Voldemort. Anyways…I’m not going to influence him one way or the other but if they are in London together I don’t think I could ever talk to him again. It would hurt too much and I don’t think I could take that kind of pain.

Time to go pack

At least I have 3 redbulls left!! Caffeine: its a helluva drug

But I leave with this great song I can’t get out of my head:

I feel alone in it all. I know I have friends who support me. And there is David. But I think I’m the only one of my friends (that I still talk to) that this has happened to. And they can only say so much about it. I really appreciate everything but it is always at the back of my mind. Its not going to go away so easily.

Sometimes I think disasters or drama like this is the only times David cares to talk to me. Like he feels obligated to but other than that he won’t go out of his way to contact me. I know he is freaked out about it and wants to be strong for me and doesn’t know quite what to say. I am afraid that what happened will make him not want to be with me after all. That I’m too much trouble or that there is a voice in his head wondering if I’m making it up or not telling the whole story. I’m not sure if any of that is what is really going on but his silence about *everything* *all the time* makes my mind race. I don’t know what he is thinking. I feel like he just mimicked me when I said it wasn’t my fault and such.

Everything is so confusing now and I don’t know what to do. I want to talk about it but I’m afraid David won’t want to hear it. Or that it will drive a wedge further between us because I’m bringing this burden on him. He doesn’t believe in labels and we aren’t dating or something- does he still have an obligation to me? What do I do?

I want it to be New Years. I want him to hold me and for me to hold him. I want to look into his eyes and tell him that I love him, because saying it over the phone doesn’t have the same impact. I want to be with him. I want to show him that I care about him and don’t want to live without him and make him see that we can be together, come what may.

I hope I get that chance.

Its this break he put us on. I can’t fucking stand it. Its probably the most selfish thing he has ever done to me. And I’m probably pretty selfish for saying so but I feel like I’m being strung along. He wanted me to increase communication but I feel like an idiot because I already think about him all day. Now I’m thinking about him all day and waiting by the phone as well. I feel like I put a lot into our relationship. I try to email, text, call, send him mail but none of it is acknowledged or returned. My biggest pet peeve is not having emails returned and he knows this. Am I acting ridiculous for wanting a simple nod in my direction every once in a while?

Breaks are the most ridiculous and worthless things ever. Its just a nice way to break up with someone but still keep them as an option. There are no definite rules and and while you expect the other person to be faithful, parading around with someone you used to sleep with, whether you do anything or not, completely violates trust. Which is what he is doing. Julia pretty much has David in the palm of her hand. And David, for his part, is trying to get the best of both worlds; having Julia around and doing what he pleases, but being “on a break” with me and expecting me to remain faithful. It’s unfair and hypocritical. Every time he lets her stay over it feels like a kick in the face. Does he even think about how it must be in my shoes? What if I were to start letting John or Charlie sleep over on the couch? Well its on the couch so it doesn’t mean anything right?? What if when I go home I sleep over at Matt’s house? I used to before David and I were going out or even sleeping together. In Matt’s bed. Nothing happens because we are just friends and he respects me, so its ok right?? I’m just friends with John and Charlie and Matt now so its innocent now right?

No. Its not. Because when you tell someone you love them there are some things you just don’t do anymore. I may not have been in as long relationships as David but I know that much. And no girl David ever dates will understand Julia. Maybe at first like I did for the first 6 to 10 months of this shit. But if things don’t change, his relationships will always end up like how it is now. Or he will end up with Julia again. I’m not saying I want to have an open relationship, hell no. But he is emotionally cheating on me right now and has been since April at least.

I don’t want to think of anyone going with David but I guess I have to be realistic and stop dreaming. Its just that everything changes when you tell someone you love them and give them every part of you. That should count for something. But maybe it doesn’t.

And my heart really really hurts.

[chorus]
I gotta get too drunk to dream
’cause dreaming only makes me blue
i gotta get too drunk to dream
because i only dream of you

i gotta get too pissed to miss you
or i’ll never get to sleep
i gotta drink wine not to pine for you
and god knows that ain’t cheap

i know you think i’m insane
i know it’s not appealing
but til i’m feeling no pain
guess what i’ll be feeling?

{chorus}

I gotta get too fried to cry,
or i’ll be crying all night long
i gotta get too high to sigh
oh my god where did i go wrong?

So why do i get plastered?
and why am i so lonely?
it’s you, you heartless bastard
you’re my one and only!

[chorus]

i gotta get too pissed to miss you
or i’ll never get to sleep
i gotta drink wine not to pine for you
and god knows that ain’t cheap
and god knows that ain’t cheap!

He immediately attached himself to Jordan and loves to sleep in her arms, awwwwww!

The first one is really gross. You probably shouldn’t read it. You know how on Jezebel they have these links to videos and whatnot and they say you really shouldn’t read it and you scroll through the comments and people are flipping out about how terrible and scary it is and you get really nervous to watch it? Its like that. So don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Well I dreamt that I had a…parasite thing. I had come back from Africa and this wierd pink worm thing started crawling out from between my toes and it was yards and yards and yards long. The thing is no one around me was freaked out by it but I woke up thinking I was dying.

After I checked my feet just in case I went back to sleep and this next dream is actually pretty ironic, having just dreamt the dream (nightmare) before:

I dreamt I was pregnant with twins. Everyone around me was really jazzed that I was preggers but I didn’t understand why. I was scared out of my mind. I couldn’t remember how many months along I was and I was really embarrassed because how could you know know. And I was reeeaaallly pregnant. Like out to here pregnant. Then I thought I was going into labor but I realized, once we were at the hospital (the birthing ward was also the osteo-whatsit ward- you know people who break bones really bad- and the cardiac surgery ward- go figure) I was faking my labor pains to see how far along I was. So I’m sitting in the chairs with people and I’m really confused b/c people keep saying that the babies are premature and such and I’m like why? I’m not really in labor… And then I look to see who brought me to the hospital while the doctor is checking on the babies and its David and Comrade Jordan Kroll and someone else, I can’t remember. And they were so excited about the fact that I was pregnant (yes even you, Jordan. I told you it was a fucked up dream) but I couldn’t understand why because it didn’t make any sense. And then when the Doctor (who looked like a cross between my family dr and my cardiologist) said everything was ok and that I had a month to go, I started apologizing profusely for the false alarm.

Then David turned to me and said “I’m so glad you are having my babies” and how he was glad I was not in labor prematurely and such. I tried to be like What the fuck David?! You know you don’t want kids! What the hell is going on?! But I couldn’t speak for some reason and just hugged him because I couldn’t understand why this was happening to me and kinda started crying.

When we walked out to the lobby all of my friends were there and were really relieved that everything was ok. I was still crying and I hugged one of my friends, Geoff, who was only in his boxers for some reason. And Rachel and Matthew were there and it was like everyone had known each other for years. And I couldn’t say a word. Its so weird. I wanted to scream but for some reason I couldn’t open my mouth. And then I realized that everyone was talking about the babies like they were the group’s babies. Like we lived all together or something. And then I looked down and I’m in one of that Mexican house dress/muumuu thing I have and am barefoot. And we *do* all live together…in a commune.

And then I started thinking that I wanted the babies too. I felt glad that I had beaten the doctors and had kids before I had to have any surgery. Basically I was having my cake and eating it too. But then the girl from the Giant Checkout line came up to me and was really angry and pissed at me and started yelling “Why are you pregnant? Why didn’t you get an abortion?!” And I tried to explain myself but it wasn’t coming out right. And then I lied to her and said I was putting them up for adoption to shut her up.

I think the thing that creeped me out the most was that it was 1) really real feeling. To the point where I woke up and checked to see if I was really pregnant and 2) that everyone was so excited that I was pregnant and how creepy and weird David was being about it. I kept trying to ask him why he was so happy about it since he had told me (in real life) that he didn’t want kids but he didn’t listen to me.

So that’s my dreams. I’m never going to Africa and I’m- well I’m probs going to have kids, just not right now and I’m not giving it to a commune of my friends to raise…

Also feel free to analyze the themes of my heart surgery that popped up in there.

Ugh- I need to stop eating weird things before I go to bed.

Well. There it is.