Not much going on right now- In the public library working for the museum. I *did* buy a conquistador woodcut (its really big) to hang on the wall (probs outside by the back door, I’m thinking). It looks like its made out of wood but its really foam board. Kathryn and I were driving by this yard sale and I saw him, Senor Ralph (working title), staring at me. He was $5 and will be our oracle/house guard.
Which is good b/c I needed him yesterday!! I’m downstairs yesterday, minding my own business, watching Sense and Sensibility (see how its been? I need my Comrades!!), when someone knocks on the door and rings the bell a bunch of times. I think, oh its Hans and Kendall, but its not. Its this guy that looks vaguely familiar. I open the door but not the screen door (haha) and realize its Kaitlin’s bf. I go “Hey! What’s up?” wondering if he’s looking for her or something. He goes “Hi, Lauren…..do you remember my name?” “Nope” “It’s Michael” I go, “aahh yes, Kaitlin’s boyfriend” He is very oddly dressed. He’s wearing shorts so I can see his creepy, knobby knees. And he’s wearing Crocs that look like those ducky shoes with the rubber bottoms and canvas uppers: 
Like these but Green rubber and tan canvas…..in Croc form… He is also wearing a leather knife holster in his belt… I was starting to have flashbacks of living in Destrehan, LA (aka Bayou Rednecks).
Well he invited me to go out somewhere with him and his friends. He said he was “in the neighborhood” and just wanted to see “how we were doing after the party”- I told him that I was going out with one of my friends (truth) in a few min. (lie), so sorry. I was on the porch at this point. I think he wanted me to invite him in but….he had a knife…so no. I said I had just finished cleaning up from the party (since I had only just gotten around to it, haha) and we had had a fun time, right? He said yeah, it was fun. He said he was not in a real “party mood” that night but that it was a good party. I really didn’t know what to say at this point so I nodded. He then offered to pimp me out to one of his friends who is a bassist in a band. I said “Oh but-” and he cut me off and told me that he had taken pictures at the Dead Celeb party (“Oh no, really??” I said but I think he took it to me meaning “Oh boy was I drunk! Haha” I mean’t “What? You creepy creepy MAN!?!”) and had shown them to his friends (What? What? WHY?) and his friend said that I was cute and that he was interested in me or something.. I was finally able to get a word in and said “Well thats nice of you but I don’t think my *boyfriend* would like that very much hahahahaha” This was a slightly hysterical laugh b/c I was so weirded out. He said “Oh well I understand, I’ve just been trying to play cupid lately. Well if you decide that he isn’t really a boyfriend anymore, let me know” (I’m good thanks) I said, “….Ok” He laughed and said that he was trying to hook Jordan and his VB friend up. He said “Yeah your friend, Jordan, was bugging me to give my friend a call. She was going ‘Is he cute? Is he cute? Give him my number! I want to meet him!’ So I texted her a few days ago but didn’t get a response from her so maybe she sobered up and changed her mind or something.” I tried to defend you, dearest Jordan, because his little quote and imitation of your voice did not sound like you whatsoever. I said well she isn’t going to be there for much longer so I’m not sure she’s looking for a Virginia Beach bf right now…” Then he said “Yeah she told me that and I thought it was kinda strange that she would want me to call my friend if she was just going to be there for three weeks. I don’t know. Maybe she’s just looking for a quick fuck. I don’t know” I just gave him a look and said “Mmhmm” I think he finally got that I wanted him to get the hell of my porch (but I was also trying to memorize everything that was happening b/c I knew this was some weird shit that all of the girls would want to hear).
He kept talking though. He was saying that we should all hang out. I said, Oh isn’t Kaitlin in Colorado? He said “yeah she’s gone for two weeks, I’m a bit torn up about that……So…Are you good friend’s with Kaitlin?” I said “Yeah, pretty good.” He said “Oh. Well anytime you want to hang out let me know. I’ll be here. Are you new to the area?” I looked at him for a long moment, trying to figure out what he was getting at “This is going to be my third year here…I go to school here.” “Oh really whats your area of study” and he just started interrogating me. ANd he kept dropping hints that I should hang with his friends and him while Kaitlin is gone. I said “Yeah, we can all hang out when Kaitlin gets back” I think that finally shut him up, that and the fact that I wasn’t really asking him anything back. So he goes: “Well I’ll see you around! Have fun!” or something like that and I went back in and locked the door and he drove off.
At one point he did say that I probs thought it was weird that he showed up like that and I said “Honey, I’ve seen everything. Nothing can surprise me anymore” When in fact I thought this was the reason I kept the door locked even when I was in the house.
Also did I mention I was wearing a muumuu….cuz I was.
Thank God David called 5 min later b/c Kathryn didn’t pick up- I had to tell someone. AS I was telling him about it I realized David wasn’t as concerned as he should have been. I realized I had to clarify ages here: “David, he’s 30- my friend is younger than me!” And then he got it. Because even though we are not minors anymore- he is a million years old and lives with his parents and can’t get a girlfriend his own age.
So that’s what happened to me yesterday.
